Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal Page 7

Chapter 7

And the angel said, "What prophet has this written? For in this book is foretold all the events which shall come to pass in the next week in the land of Days of Our Lives and All My Children."

And I said to the angel, "You fabulously feebleminded bundle of feathers, there's no prophet involved. They know what is going to happen because they write it all down in advance for the actors to perform."

"So it is written, so it shall be done," said the angel.

I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed next to Raziel. His gaze never wavered from his Soap Opera Digest. I pushed the magazine down so the angel had to look me in the face.

"Raziel, do you remember the time before mankind, the time when there were only the heavenly host and the Lord?"

"Yes, those were the best of times. Except for the war, of course. But other than that, yes, wonderful times."

"And you angels were as strong and beautiful as divine imagination, your voices sang praise for the Lord and his glory to the ends of the universe, and yet the Lord saw fit to create us, mankind, weak, twisted, and profane, right?"

"That's when it all started to go downhill, if you ask me," Raziel said.

"Well, do you know why the Lord decided to create us?"

"No. Ours is not to question the Will."

"Because you are all dumbfucks, that's why. You're as mindless as the machinery of the stars. Angels are just pretty insects. Days of Our Lives is a show, Raziel, a play. It's not real, get it?"

"No."

And he didn't. I've learned that there's a tradition in this time of telling funny stories about the stupidity of people with yellow hair. Guess where that started.

I think that we all expected everything to go back to normal after the killer was found, but it seemed that the Romans were much more concerned with the extermination of the Sicarii then they were with a single resurrection. To be fair, I have to say that resurrections weren't that uncommon in those days. As I mentioned, we Jews were quick to get our dead into the ground, and with speed, there's bound to be errors. Occasionally some poor soul would fall unconscious during a fever and wake to find himself being wrapped in linen and prepared for the grave. But funerals were a nice way to get the family together, and there was always a fine meal afterward, so no one really complained, except perhaps those people who didn't wake before they were buried, and if they complained - well, I'm sure God heard them. (It paid to be a light sleeper, in my time.) So, impressed as they might have been with the walking dead, the next day the Romans began to round up suspected conspirators. The men in Maggie's family were hauled off to Sepphoris at dawn.

No miracles would come to bring about the release of the prisoners, but neither were there any crucifixions announced in the days that followed. After two weeks had passed with no word of the fate or condition of the men, Maggie, her mother, her aunts, and her sisters went to the synagogue on the Sabbath and appealed to the Pharisees for help.

The next day, the Pharisees from Nazareth, Japhia, and Sepphoris appeared at the Roman garrison to appeal to Justus for the release of the prisoners. I don't know what they said, or what sort of leverage they could possibly have used to move the Romans, but the following day, just after dawn, the men of Maggie's family staggered back into our village, beaten, starving, and covered with filth, but very much alive.

There was no feast, no celebration for the return of the prisoners - we Jews walked softly for a few months to allow the Romans to settle down. Maggie seemed distant in the weeks that followed, and Josh and I never saw the smile that could make the breath catch in our throats. She seemed to be avoiding us, rushing out of the square whenever we saw her there, or on the Sabbath, staying so close to the women of her family that we couldn't talk to her. Finally, after a month had passed, with absolutely no regard for custom or common courtesy, Joshua insisted that we skip work and dragged me by the sleeve to Maggie's house. She was kneeling on the ground outside the door, grinding some barley with a millstone. We could see her mother moving around in the house and hear the sound of her father and older brother Simon (who was called Lazarus) working the forge next door. Maggie seemed to be lost in the rhythm of grinding the grain, so she didn't see us approach. Joshua put his hand on her shoulder, and without looking up, she smiled.

"You are supposed to be building a house in Sepphoris," she said.

"We thought it more important to visit a sick friend."

"And who would that be?"

"Who do you think?"

"I'm not sick. In fact, I've been healed by the touch of the Messiah."

"I think not," said Joshua.

She finally looked up at him and her smile evaporated. "I can't be friends with you two anymore," she said. "Things have changed."

"What, because your uncle was a Sicarii?" I said. "Don't be silly."

"No, because my mother made a bargain to get Iban to convince the other Pharisees to go to Sepphoris and plead for the men's lives."

"What kind of bargain?" Joshua asked.

"I am betrothed." She looked at the millstone again and a tear dripped into the powdered grain.

We were both stunned. Josh took his hand from her shoulder and stepped back, then looked at me as if there was something I could do. I felt as if I would start crying at any second myself. I managed to choke out, "Who to?"

"To Jakan," Maggie said with a sob.

"Iban's son? The creep? The bully?"

Maggie nodded. Joshua covered his mouth and ran a few steps away, then threw up. I was tempted to join him, but instead I crouched in front of Maggie.

"How long before you're married?"

"I'm to be married a month after the Passover feast. Mother made him wait six months."

"Six months! Six months! That's forever, Maggie. Why, Jakan could be killed in a thousand heinous ways in six months, and that's just the ones I can think of right now. Why, someone could turn him in to the Romans for being a rebel. I'm not saying who, but someone might. It could happen."

"I'm sorry, Biff."

"Don't be sorry for me, why would you be sorry for me?"

"I know how you feel, so I'm sorry."

I was thrown for a second. I glanced at Joshua to see if he could give me a clue, but he was still absorbed in splattering his breakfast in the dirt.

"But it's Joshua who you love?" I finally said.

"Does that make you feel any better?"

"Well, no."

"Then I'm sorry." She made as if to reach out to touch my cheek, but her mother called her before she made contact.

"Right now, Mary, in this house!"

Maggie nodded toward the barfing Messiah. "Take care of him."

"He'll be fine."

"And take care of yourself."

"I'll be fine too, Maggie. Don't forget I have an emergency backup wife. Besides, it's six months. A lot can happen in six months. It's not like we won't see you." I was trying to sound more hopeful than I felt.

"Take Joshua home," she said. Then she quickly kissed me on the cheek and ran into the house.

Joshua was completely against the idea of murdering Jakan, or even praying for harm to come to him. If anything, Joshua seemed more kindly disposed toward Jakan than he had been before, going as far as to seek him out and congratulate him on his betrothal to Maggie, an act that left me feeling angry and betrayed. I confronted Joshua in the olive grove, where he had gone to pray among the twisted tree trunks.

"You coward," I said, "you could strike him down if you wanted to."

"As could you," he replied.

"Yeah, but you can call the wrath of God down upon him. I'd have to sneak up behind him and brain him with a rock. There's a difference."

"And you would have me kill Jakan for what, your bad luck?"

"Works for me."

"Is it so hard for you to give up what you never had?"

"I had hope, Josh. You understand hope, don't you?" Sometimes he could be mightily dense, or so I thought. I didn't realize how much he was hurting inside, or how much he wanted to do something.

"I think I understand hope, I'm just not sure that I am allowed to have any."

"Oh, don't start with that 'Everyone gets something but me' speech. You've got plenty."

Josh wheeled on me, his eyes like fire, "Like what? What do I have?"

"Uh..." I wanted to say something about a really sexy mother, but that didn't seem like the sort of thing he wanted to hear. "Uh, you have God."

"So do you. So does everyone."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Not the Romans."

"There are Roman Jews."

"Well, you've got, uh - that healing-raising-the-dead thing."

"Oh yeah, and that's working really well."

"Well, you're the Messiah, what's that? That's something. If you told people you were the Messiah they'd have to do what you say."

"I can't tell them."

"Why not?"

"I don't know how to be the Messiah."

"Well, at least do something about Maggie."

"He can't," came a voice from behind a tree. A golden glow emanated from either side of the trunk.

"Who's there?" Joshua called.

The angel Raziel stepped out from behind the tree.

"Angel of the Lord," I said under my breath to Josh.

"I know," he said, in a "you seen one, you seen 'em all" way.

"He can't do anything," the angel repeated.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because he may not know any woman."

"I may not?" Joshua said, not sounding at all happy.

"He may not in that he should not, or that he cannot?" I asked.

The angel scratched his golden head, "I didn't think to ask."

"It's kind of important," I said.

"Well, he can't do anything about Mary Magdalene, I know that. They told me to come and tell him that. That and that it is time for him to go."

"Go where?"

"I didn't think to ask."

I suppose I should have been frightened, but I seemed to have passed right through frightened to exasperated. I stepped up to the angel and poked him in the chest. "Are you the same angel that came to us before, to announce the coming of the Savior?"

"It was the Lord's will that I bring that joyful news."

"I just wondered, in case all of you angels look alike or something. So, after you showed up ten years late, they sent you with another message?"

"I am here to tell the Savior that it is time for him to go."

"But you don't know where?"

"No."

"And this golden stuff around you, this light, what is this?"

"The glory of the Lord."

"You're sure it's not stupidity leaking out of you?"

"Biff, be nice, he is the messenger of the Lord."

"Well, hell, Josh, he's no help at all. If we're going to get angels from heaven they should at least know what they are doing. Blow down walls or something, destroy cities, oh, I don't know - get the whole message."

"I'm sorry," the angel said. "Would you like me to destroy a city?"

"Go find out where Josh is supposed to go. How 'bout that?"

"I can do that."

"Then do that."

"I'll be right back."

"We'll wait."

"Godspeed," Joshua said.

In an instant the angel moved behind another tree trunk and the golden glow was gone from the olive grove with a warm breeze.

"You were sort of hard on him," Joshua said.

"Josh, being nice isn't always going to get the job done."

"One can try."

"Was Moses nice to Pharaoh?"

Before Joshua could answer me, the warm breeze blew into the olive grove again and the angel stepped out from behind a tree.

"To find your destiny," he said.

"What?" I said.

"What?" Joshua said.

"You are supposed to go find your destiny."

"That's it?" Joshua said.

"Yes."

"What about the 'knowing a woman' thing?" I asked.

"I have to go now."

"Grab him, Josh. You hold him and I'll hit him."

But the angel was gone with the breeze.

"My destiny?" Joshua looked at his open, empty palms.

"We should have pounded the answer out of him," I said.

"I don't think that would have worked."

"Oh, back to the nice strategy. Did Moses - "

"Moses should have said, 'Let my people go, please.'"

"That would have made the difference?"

"It could have worked. You don't know."

"So what do you do about your destiny?"

"I'm going to ask the Holy of Holies when we go to the Temple for the Passover."

And so it came to pass that in the spring all of the Jews from Galilee made the pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Passover feast, and Joshua began the search for his destiny. The road was lined with families making their way to the holy city. Camels, carts, and donkeys were loaded high with provisions for the trip, and all along the column of pilgrims you could hear the bleating of the lambs that would be sacrificed for the feast. The road was dry that year, and a red-brown cloud of dust wound its way over the road as far as one could see in either direction.

Since we were each the eldest in our families, it fell on Joshua and me to keep track of all our younger brothers and sisters. It seemed that the easiest way to accomplish this was to tie them together, so we strung together, by height, my two brothers and Josh's three brothers and two sisters. I tied the rope loosely around their necks so it would only choke them if they got out of line.

"I can untie this," said James.

"Me too," said my brother Shem.

"But you won't. This is the part of the Passover where you reenact Moses leading you out of the Promised Land, you have to stay with the little ones."

"You're not Moses," said Shem.

"No - no, I'm not Moses. Smart of you to notice." I tied the end of the rope to a nearby wagon that was loaded high with jars of wine. "This wagon is Moses," I said. "Follow it."

"That wagon isn't - "

"It's symbolic, shut the hell up and follow Moses."

Thus freed of our responsibilities, Joshua and I went looking for Maggie and her family. We knew that Maggie and her clan had left after us, so we fought backward through the pilgrims, braving donkey bites and camel spit until we spotted her royal blue shawl on the hill behind us, perhaps a half-mile back. We had resolved to just sit by the side of the road to wait until she reached us, rather than battle the crowd, when suddenly the column of pilgrims started to leave the road altogether, moving to the sides in a great wave. When we saw the red crest of a centurion's helmet come over the top of the hill we understood. Our people were making way for the Roman army. (There would be nearly a million Jews in Jerusalem for Passover - a million Jews celebrating their liberation from oppression, a very dangerous mix from the Roman point of view. The Roman governor would come from Caesarea with his full legion of six thousand men, and each of the other barracks in Judea, Samaria, and Galilee would send a century or two of soldiers to the holy city.)

We used the opportunity to dash back to Maggie, arriving there at the same time as the Roman army. The centurion that led the cavalry kicked at me as he passed, his hobnail boot missing my head by a hair's breadth. I suppose I should be glad he wasn't a standard-bearer or I might have been conked with a Roman eagle.

"How long do I have to wait before you drive them from the land and restore the kingdom to our people, Joshua?" Maggie stood there with her hands on her hips, trying to look stern, but her blue eyes betrayed that she was about to burst into laughter.

"Uh, shalom to you too, Maggie," Joshua said.

"How about you, Biff, have you learned to be an idiot yet, or are you behind in your studies?" Those laughing eyes, even as the Romans passed by only an arm's length away. God, I miss her.

"I'm learning," I said.

Maggie put down the jar she'd been carrying and threw her arms out to embrace us. It had been months since we'd seen her other than passing in the square. She smelled of lemons and cinnamon that day.

We walked with Maggie and her family for a couple of hours, talking and joking and avoiding the subject that we were all thinking about until Maggie finally said, "Are you two coming to my wedding?"

Joshua and I looked at each other as if our tongues had suddenly been struck from our mouths. I saw that Josh was having no luck finding words, and Maggie seemed to be getting angry.

"Well?"

"Uh, Maggie, it's not that we're not overjoyed with your good fortune, but..."

She took the opportunity to backhand me across the mouth. The jar she carried on her head didn't even waver. Amazing grace that girl had.

"Ouch."

"Good fortune? Are you mad? My husband's a toad. I'm sick at the thought of him. I was just hoping you two would come to help me through the ceremony."

"I think my lip is bleeding."

Joshua looked at me and his eyes went wide. "Uh-oh." He cocked his head, as if listening to the wind.

"What, uh-oh?" Then I heard the commotion coming from ahead. There was a crowd gathered at a small bridge - a lot of shouting and waving. Since the Romans had long since passed, I assumed someone had fallen in the river.

"Uh-oh," Josh said again, and he began running toward the bridge.

"Sorry." I shrugged at Maggie, then followed Josh.

At the river's edge (no more than a creek, really) we saw a boy about our age, with wild hair and wilder eyes, standing waist-deep in the water. He was holding something under the water and shouting at the top of his lungs.

"You must repent and atone, atone and repent! Your sins have made you unclean. I cleanse you of the evil that you carry like your wallet."

"That's my cousin, John," Joshua said.

Trailing out of the water on either side of John stood our brothers and sisters, still tied together, but the missing link in the string of siblings was my brother Shem, who had been replaced by a lot of thrashing and bubbling muddy water in front of John. Onlookers were cheering on the Baptist, who was having a little trouble keeping Shem under water.

"I think he's drowning Shem."

"Baptizing," Joshua said.

"My mother will be happy that Shem's sins have been cleansed, but I have to think we're going to be in a lot of trouble if he drowns in the process."

"Good point," Josh said. He stepped into the water. "John! Stop that!"

John looked at him and seemed a little perplexed. "Cousin Joshua?"

"Yes. John, let him up."

"He has sinned," John said, as if that said it all.

"I'll take care of his sins."

"You think you're the one, don't you? Well, you're not. My birth was announced by an angel as well. It was prophesied that I would lead. You're not the one."

"We should talk about this in another place. Let him up, John. He's cleansed."

John let my brother pop out of the water and I ran down and dragged him and all the other kids out of the river.

"Wait, the others haven't been cleansed. They are filthy with sin."

Joshua stepped between his brother James, who would have been the next one dunked, and the Baptist. "You won't tell Mother about this, will you?"

Halfway between terrified and furious, James was tearing at the knots, trying to untie the rope from around his neck. He clearly wanted revenge on his big brother, but at the same time he didn't want to give up his brother's protection from John.

"If we let John baptize you long enough, you won't be able to tell your mother, will you, James?" Me, just trying to help out.

"I won't tell," James said. He looked back at John, who was still staring as if he'd dash out and grab someone to cleanse any second. "He's our cousin?"

"Yes," Joshua said. "The son of our mother's cousin Elizabeth."

"When did you meet him before?"

"I haven't."

"Then how did you know him."

"I just did."

"He's a loony," said James. "You're both loonies."

"Yes, a family trait. Maybe when you get older you can be a loony too. You won't tell Mother."

"No."

"Good," Joshua said. "You and Biff get the kids moving, will you?"

I nodded, shooting a glance back to John. "James is right, Josh. He is a loony."

"I heard that, sinner!" John shouted. "Perhaps you need to be cleansed."

John and his parents shared supper with us that evening. I was surprised that John's parents were older than Joseph - older than my grandparents even. Joshua told me that John's birth had been a miracle, announced by the angel. Elizabeth, John's mother, talked about it all through supper, as if it had happened yesterday instead of thirteen years ago. When the old woman paused to take a breath, Joshua's mother started in about the divine announcement of her own son's birth. Occasionally my mother, feeling the need to exhibit some maternal pride that she didn't really feel, would chime in as well.

"You know, Biff wasn't announced by an angel, but locusts ate our garden and Alphaeus had gas for a month around the time he would have been conceived. I think it might have been a sign. That certainly didn't happen with my other boys."

Ah, Mother. Did I mention that she was besought with a demon?

After supper, Joshua and I built our own fire, away from the others, hoping that Maggie would seek us out, but it turned out that only John joined us.

"You are not the anointed one," John said to Joshua. "Gabriel came to my father. Your angel didn't even have a name."

"We shouldn't be talking about these things," Joshua said.

"The angel told my father that his son would prepare the way for the Lord. That's me."

"Fine, I want nothing more than for you to be the Messiah, John."

"Really?" John asked. "But your mother seems so, so..."

"Josh can raise the dead," I said.

John shifted his insane gaze to me, and I scooted away from him in case he tried to hit me. "He cannot," John said.

"Yep, I've seen it twice."

"Don't, Biff," Josh said.

"You're lying. Bearing false witness is a sin," John said. The Baptist started to look more panicked than angry.

"I'm not very good at it," Joshua said.

John's eyes went wide, now with amazement instead of madness. "You have done this? You have raised the dead?"

"And healed the sick," I said.

John grabbed me by the front of my tunic and pulled me close, staring into my eyes as if he was looking into my head. "You aren't lying, are you?" He looked at Joshua. "He's not lying, is he?"

Joshua shook his head. "I don't think so."

John released me, let out a long sigh, then sat back in the dirt. The firelight caught tears sparkling in his eyes as he stared at nothing. "I am so relieved. I didn't know what I would do. I don't know how to be the Messiah."

"Neither do I," said Joshua.

"Well, I hope you really can raise the dead," John said, "because this will kill my mother."

We walked with John for the next three days, through Samaria, into Judea, and finally into the holy city. Fortunately, there weren't many rivers or streams along the way, so we were able to keep his baptisms to a minimum. His heart was in the right place, he really did want to cleanse our people of their sins, it was just that no one would believe that God would give that responsibility to a thirteen-year-old. To keep John happy, Josh and I let him baptize our little brothers and sisters at every body of water we passed, at least until Josh's little sister Miriam developed the sniffles and Joshua had to perform an emergency healing on her.

"You really can heal," John exclaimed.

"Well, the sniffles are easy," Joshua said. "A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord."

"Would - would you mind?" John said, lifting up his tunic and showing his bare privates, which were covered with sores and greenish scales.

"Cover, please cover!" I yelled. "Drop the shirt and step away!"

"That's disgusting," Joshua said.

"Am I unclean? I've been afraid to ask my father, and I can't go to a Pharisee, not with my father being a priest. I think it's from standing in the water all of the time. Can you heal me?"

(I have to say here that I believe that this was the first time Joshua's little sister Miriam ever saw a man's privates. She was only six at the time, but the experience so frightened her that she never married. The last time anyone heard from her, she had cut her hair short, put on men's clothes, and moved to the Greek island of Lesbos. But that was later.)

"Have at it, Josh," I said. "Lay your hands upon the affliction and heal it."

Joshua shot me a dirty look, then looked back to his cousin John, with nothing but compassion in his eyes. "My mother has some salve you can put on it," he said. "Let's see if that works first."

"I've tried salve," John said.

"I was afraid you had," said Joshua.

"Have you tried rubbing it with olive oil?" I asked. "It probably won't cure you, but it might take your mind off of it."

"Biff, please. John is afflicted."

"Sorry."

Joshua said, "Come here, John."

"Oh, jeez, Joshua," I said. "You're not going to touch it, are you? He's unclean. Let him live with the lepers."

Joshua put his hands on John's head and the Baptist's eyes rolled back in his head. I thought he would fall, and he did waver, but remained standing.

"Father, you have sent this one to prepare the way. Let him go forth with his body as clean as his spirit."

Joshua released his cousin and stepped back. John opened his eyes and smiled. "I am healed!" he yelled. "I am healed."

John began to raise his shirt and I caught his arm. "We'll take your word for it."

The Baptist fell to his knees, then prostrated himself before Joshua, shoving his face against Josh's feet. "You are truly the Messiah. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I shall declare your holiness throughout the land."

"Uh, maybe someday, but not now," Joshua said.

John looked up from where he had been grasping Josh's ankles. "Not now?"

"We're trying to keep it a secret," I said.

Josh patted his cousin's head. "Yes, it would be best not to tell anyone about the healing, John."

"But why?"

"We have to find out a couple of things before Joshua starts being the Messiah," I said.

"Like what?" John seemed as if he would start crying again.

"Well, like where Joshua left his destiny and whether or not he's allowed to, uh, have an abomination with a woman."

"It's not an abomination if it's with a woman," Josh added.

"It's not?"

"Nope. Sheep, goats, pretty much any animal - it's an abomination. But with a woman, it's something totally different."

"What about a woman and a goat, what's that?" asked John.

"That's five shekels in Damascus," I said. "Six if you want to help."

Joshua punched me in the shoulder.

"Sorry, old joke." I grinned. "Couldn't resist."

John closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, as if he might squeeze some understanding out of his mind if he applied enough pressure. "So you don't want anyone to know that you have the power to heal because you don't know if you can lie with a woman?"

"Well, that and I have no idea how to go about being the Messiah," Josh said.

"Yeah, and that," I said.

"You should ask Hillel," John said. "My father says he's the wisest of all of the priests."

"I'm going to ask the Holy of Holies," Joshua said. (The Holy of Holies was the Ark of the Covenant - the box containing the tablets handed down from God to Moses. No one I knew had ever seen it, as it was housed in the inner room at the Temple.)

"But it's forbidden. Only a priest may enter the chamber of the Ark."

"Yes, that's going to be a problem," I said.

The city was like a huge cup that had been filled to its brim with pilgrims, then spilled into a seething pool of humanity around it. When we arrived men were already lined up as far as the Damascus gate, waiting with their lambs to get to the Temple. A greasy black smoke was on the wind, coming from the Temple, where as many as ten thousand priests would be slaughtering the lambs and burning the blood and fatty parts on the altar. Cooking fires were burning all around the city as women prepared the lambs. A haze hung in the air, the steam and funk of a million people and as many animals. Stale breath and sweat and the smell of piss rose in the heat of the day, mixing with the bleating of lambs, the bellowing of camels, the crying of children, the ululations of women, and the low buzz of too many voices, until the air was thick with sounds and smells and God and history. Here Abraham received the word of God that his people would be the Chosen, here were the Hebrews delivered out of Egypt, here Solomon built the first Temple, here walked the prophets and the kings of the Hebrews, and here resided the Ark of the Covenant. Jerusalem. Here did I, the Christ, and John the Baptist come to find out the will of God and, if we were lucky, spot some really delicious girls. (What, you thought it was all religion and philosophy?)

Our families made camp outside the northern wall of the city, below the battlements of Antonia, the fortress Herod had built in tribute to his benefactor, Marc Antony. Two cohorts of Roman soldiers, some twelve hundred strong, watched the Temple courtyard from the fortress walls. The women fed and washed the children while Joshua and I carried lambs with our fathers to the Temple.

There was something unsettling about carrying an animal to its death. It wasn't that I hadn't seen the sacrifices before, nor even eaten the Passover lamb, but this was the first time I'd actually participated. I could feel the animal's breathing on my neck as I carried it slung over my shoulders, and amid all the noise and the smells and the movement around the Temple, there was, for a moment, silence, just the breath and heartbeat of the lamb. I guess I fell behind the others, because my father turned and said something to me, but I couldn't hear the words.

We went through the gates and into the outer courtyard of the Temple where merchants sold birds for the sacrifice and moneychangers traded shekels for a hundred different coins from around the world. As we passed through the enormous courtyard, where thousands of men stood with lambs on their shoulders waiting to get into the inner temple, to the altar, to the slaughter, I could see no man's face. I saw only the faces of the lambs, some calm and oblivious, others with their eyes rolled back, bleating in terror, still others seeming to be stunned. I swung the lamb from my own shoulders and cradled it in my arms like a child as I backed out toward the gate. I know my father and Joseph must have come after me, but I couldn't see their faces, just emptiness where their eyes should have been, just the eyes of the lambs they carried. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't get out of the Temple fast enough. I didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't going inside to the altar. I turned to run, but a hand caught my shirt and pulled me back. I spun around and looked into Joshua's eyes.

"It's God's will," he said. He laid his hands on my head and I was able to breathe again. "It's all right, Biff. God's will." He smiled.

Joshua had put the lamb he'd been carrying on the ground, but it didn't run away. I suppose I should have known right then.

I didn't eat any of the lamb for that Passover feast. In fact, I've never eaten lamb since that day.