A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld #32)

A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld #32) Page 16

'What-?' Miss Level began. Tiffany pointed a finger at her. 'I know why you had to leave the circus, Miss Level,' she said. 'It was to do with the clown Floppo, the trick ladder and . . . some custard . . .' Miss Level went pale. 'How could you possibly know that?'

'Just by looking at you!' said Tiffany, pushing past her into the dairy. 'Watch this, Miss Level!' She pointed a finger. A wooden spoon rose an inch from the table. Then it began to spin, faster and faster until, with a cracking sound, it broke into splinters. They whirled away across the room.

'And I can do thisV Tiffany shouted. She grabbed a bowl of curds, tipped them out on the table and waved a hand at them. They turned into a cheese. 'Now that's what cheesemaking should be!' she said. To think that I spent stupid years learning the hard way! That's how a real witch does it! Why do we crawl in the dirt, Miss Level? Why do we amble around with herbs and bandage smelly old men's legs? Why do we get paid with eggs and stale cakes? Annagramma is as stupid as a hen but even she can see it's wrong. Why don't we use magic? Why are you so afraid?' Miss Level tried to smile. "Tiffany, dear, we all go through this,' she said, and her voice was shaking. Though not as . . . explosively as you, I have to say. And the answer is ... well, it's dangerous.'

'Yes, but that's what people always say to scare children,' said Tiffany. 'We get told stories to frighten us, to keep us scared! Don't go into the big bad wood help me because it's full of scary things, that's what we're told. But really, the big bad wood should be scared of us\ I'm going out!'

'I think that would be a good idea,' said Miss Level weakly. 'Until you behave.'

'I don't have to do things your way,' snarled Tiffany, slamming the door behind her. Miss Level's broomstick was leaning against the wall a little way away. Tiffany stopped and stared at it, her mind on fire. She'd tried to keep away from it. Miss Level had wheedled her into a trial flight with Tiffany clinging on tightly with arms and legs while both of Miss Level ran alongside her, holding onto ropes and making encouraging noises. They had stopped when Tiffany threw up for the fourth time. Well, that was then! She grabbed the stick, swung a leg over it - and found that her other foot stuck to the ground as though nailed there. The broomstick twisted around wildly as she tried to pull it up and, when the boot was finally tugged off the ground, turned over so that Tiffany was upside down. This is not the best position in which to make a grand exit. She said, quietly, 'I am not going to learn you, you are going to learn me. Or the next lesson will involve an axe!' The broomstick turned upright, then gently rose. 'Right,' said Tiffany. There was no fear this time. There was just impatience. The ground dropping away below her didn't worry her at all. If it didn't have the sense to stay away from her, she'd hit it... As the stick drifted away, there was whispering in the long grass of the garden. 'Ach, we're too late, Rob. That wuz the hiver, that wuz.'

'Aye, but did ye see that foot? It's nae won yet - oor hag's in there somewhere! She's fighting it! It cannae win until it's taken the last scrap o' her! Wullie, will ye stop tryin' to grab them apples!'

'It's sorry I am tae say this, Rob, but no one can fight a hiver. 'Tis like fightin' yoursel. The more you fight, the more it'll tak' o' ye. And when it has all o' ye-'

'Wash ootyer mouth wi' hedgehog pee, Big Yan! That isnae gonna happen-'

'Crivens! Here comes the big hag!' Half of Miss Level stepped out into the ruined garden. She stared up at the departing broomstick, shaking her head. Daft Wullie was stuck out in the open where he'd been trying to snag a fallen apple. He turned to flee and would have got clean away if he hadn't run straight into a pottery garden gnome. He bounced off, stunned, and staggered wildly, trying to focus on the big, fat, chubby-cheeked figure in front of him. He was far too angry to hear the click of the garden gate and soft tread of approaching footsteps. When it comes to choosing between running and fighting, a Feegle doesn't think twice. He doesn't think at all. 'What're ye grinnin' at, pal?' he demanded. 'Oh aye, you reckon you're the big man, eh, jus'

'cos yez got a fishin' rod?' He grabbed a pink pointy ear in each hand and aimed his head at what turned out be quite a hard pottery nose. It smashed anyway, as things tend to in these circumstances, but it did slow the little man down and cause him to stagger in circles. Too late, he saw Miss Level bearing down on him from the doorway. He turned to flee, right into the hands of also Miss Level. Her fingers closed around him. I'm a witch, you know,' she said. 'And if you don't stop struggling this minute I will subject you to the most dreadful torture. Do you know what that is?' Daft Wullie shook his head in terror. Long years of juggling had given Miss Level a grip like steel. Down in the long grass, the rest of the Feegles listened so hard it hurt. Miss Level brought him a little closer to her mouth. 'I'll let you go right now without giving you a taste of the twenty-year-old MacAbre single malt I have in my cupboard,' she said. Rob Anybody leaped up. 'Ach, crivens, mistress, what a thing to taunt a body wi'! D'ye no' have a drop of mercy in you?' he shouted. 'Ye're a cruel hag indeed tae-' He stopped. Miss Level was smiling. Rob Anybody looked around, flung his sword on the ground and said: 'Ach, crivensV The Nac Mac Feegle respected witches, even if they did call them hags. And this one had brought out a big loaf and a whole bottle of whisky on the table for the taking. You had to respect someone like that. 'Of course, I'd heard of you, and Miss Tick mentioned you,' she said, watching them eat, which is not something to be done lightly. 'But I always thought you were just a myth.'

'Aye, weel, we'll stay that way if ye dinnae mind,' said Rob Anybody, and belched.'

'Tis bad enough wi' them arky-olly-gee men wantin' to dig up oour mounds wi'oot them folklore ladies wantin' to tak' pichoors o' us an' that.'

'And you watch over Tiffany's farm, Mr Anybody?'

'Aye, we do that, an' we dinnae ask for any reward,' said Rob Anybody stoutly. 'Aye, we just tak' a few wee eiggs an' fruits an' old clothes and-' Daft Wullie began. Rob gave him a look.

'Er . . . wuz that one o' those times when I shouldna' open my big fat mouth?' said Wullie. 'Aye. It wuz,' said Rob. He turned back to both of Miss Level. 'Mebbe we tak' the odd bitty thing lyin' aboot-'

'- in locked cupboards an' such-' added Daft Wullie happily. '- but it's no' missed, an' we keeps an eye on the ships in payment,' said Rob, glaring at his brother. 'You can see the sea from down there?' said Miss Level, entering that state of general bewilderment that most people fell into when talking to the Feegles. 'Rob Anybody means the sheep,' said Awf'ly Wee Billy. Gonnagles know a bit more about language. 'Aye, I said so, ships,' said Rob Anybody. 'Anywa' . .. aye, we watch her farm. She's the hag o' oor hills, like her granny.' He added proudly, 'It's through her the hills knows they are alive.'

'And a hiver is . . . ?' Rob hesitated. 'Dunno the proper haggin' way o' talking aboot it,' he said. 'Awf'ly Wee Billy, you know them lang words.' Billy swallowed. 'There's old poems, mistress. It's like a - a mind wi'oot a body, except it disnae think. Some say it's nothing but a fear, and never dies. And what it does .. .' His tiny face wrinkled. 'It's like them things you get on sheep,' he decided. The Feegles who weren't eating and drinking came to his aid. 'Horns?'

'Wools?'

'Tails?'

'Legs?'

'Chairs?' This was Daft Wullie. 'Sheep ticks,' said Billy, thoughtfully. 'A parasite, you mean?' said Miss Level. 'Aye, that could be the word,' said Billy. 'It creeps in, ye ken. It looks for folks wi' power and strength. Kings, ye ken, magicians, leaders. They say that way back in time, afore there wuz people, it live in beasts. The strongest beasts, ye ken, the one wi' big, big teeths. An' when it finds ye, it waits for a chance tae creep intae your head and it becomes ye.' The Feegles fell silent, watching Miss Level. 'Becomes you?' she said. 'Aye. Wi' your memories an' all. Only . . . it changes ye. It gives ye a lot o' power, but it takes ye over, makes ye its own. An' the last wee bit of ye that still is ye . . . well, that'll fight and fight, mebbe, but it will dwindle and dwindle until it's a' gone an' ye're just a memory The Feegles watched both of Miss Level. You never knew what a hag would do at a time like this. 'Wizards used to summon demons,' she said. 'They may still do so, although I think that's considered so

fifteen centuries ago these days. But that takes a lot of magic. And you could talk to demons, I believe. And there were rules.'

'Never heard o' a hiver talkin'/ said Billy. 'Or obeyin' rules.'

'But why would it want Tiffany?' said Miss Level. 'She's not powerful!'

'She has the power o' the land in her,' said Rob Anybody stoutly. '

'Tis a power that comes at need, not for doin' wee conjurin' tricks. We seen it, mistress!'

'But Tiffany doesn't do any magic,' said Miss Level, helplessly. 'She's very bright but she can't even make a shamble. You must be wrong about that.'

'Any o' youse lads seen the hag do any hagglin' lately?' Rob Anybody demanded. There were a lot of shaken heads, and a shower of beads, beetles, feathers and miscellaneous head items. 'Do you spy- I mean, do you watch over her all the time?' said Miss Level, slightly horrified. 'Oh, aye,' said Rob, airily. 'No' in the privy, o'course. An' it's getting harder in her bedroom 'cuz she's blocked up a lot o' the cracks, for some reason.'

'I can't imagine why,' said Miss Level carefully. 'No' us, neither,' said Ron. 'We reckon it was 'cuz o' the draughts.'

'Yes, I expect that's why it was,' said Miss Level. 'So mostly we get in through a mousehole and hides out in her old dolly house until she guz tae sleep,' said Rob. 'Dinnae look at me like that, mistress, all the lads is perrrfect gentlemen an' keeps their eyes tight shut when she's gettin' intae her nightie. Then there's one guarding her window and another at the door.'

'Guarding her from what?'

'Everything.' For a moment Miss Level had a picture in her mind of a silent, moonlit bedroom with a sleeping child. She saw, by the window, lit by the moon, one small figure on guard, and another in the shadows by the door. What were they guarding her from? Everything . . . But now something, this thing, has taken her over and she's locked inside somewhere. But she never used to do magic! I could understand it if it was one of the other girls, messing around, but. . . Tiffany? One of the Feegles was slowly raising a hand. 'Yes?' she said. 'It's me, mistress, Big Yan. I dinnae know if it wuz proper hagglin', mistress,' he said nervously, 'but me an' Nearly Big Angus saw her doin' something odd a few times, eh, Nearly Big Angus?' The Feegle next to him nodded and the speaker went on. 'It was when she got her new dress and her new hat 'And verra bonny she looked, too,' said Nearly Big Angus. 'Aye, she did that. But she'd put 'em on, and then standing in the middle o' the floor and said - whut wuz it she said, Nearly Big Angus?'

' “See me”,' Nearly Big Angus volunteered. Miss Tick looked blank. The speaker, now looking a bit sorry that he'd raised this, went on: 'Then after a wee while we'd hear her voice say “See me not” and then she'd

adjust the hat, ye know, mebbe to a more fetchin' angle.'

'Oh, you mean she was looking at herself in what we call a mirror,' said Miss Level. 'That's a kind of-'

'We ken well what them things are, mistress,' said Nearly Big Angus. 'She's got a tiny one, all cracked and dirty. But it's nae good for a body as wants tae see herself properly.'

'Verra good for the stealin', mirrors,' said Rob Anybody. 'We got oor Jeannie a silver one wi' garnets in the frame.'